My phone rang one afternoon.

It was a friend calling, and after the usual greetings, she started telling me about another friend of hers.

I could hear the irritation in her voice.

“You won’t believe what my friend has been doing lately,” she said.

“What has she been doing?” I asked.

“Spending so much money on clothes and jewellery. Honestly, I find it really repulsive.”

I listened.

She wasn’t finished.

“The amount of money she’s spending! Clothes, jewellery, more clothes, more jewellery. Doesn’t she have better things to do with her money?”

She sounded genuinely bothered.

I suppose she expected me to agree with her.

But instead, I asked a question she clearly wasn’t expecting.

“Whose money is she spending?”

There was a short silence.

“Her own money,” she replied.

I paused.

“Oh.”

And that was when I realised that we were looking at the situation from two completely different perspectives.

To her, her friend’s spending habits were excessive and unnecessary.

To me, another question had come to mind:

If it is her money, she can afford what she is buying, and she isn’t asking anyone else to pay for it, why does it bother us so much?

The conversation ended rather suddenly.

Not because we had argued. Not because either of us was angry.

We had simply discovered that we had very different opinions about how people should spend their own money.

But that little conversation stayed with me.

Because when I thought about it later, I realised that we weren’t really talking about clothes and jewellery anymore.

We were talking about judgement.

When Did Someone Else’s Life Become Our Business?

I think human beings are fascinating.

Give us a tiny piece of information about someone’s life, and somehow we can build an entire story around it.

Someone spends money differently from us.

We have an opinion.

Someone dresses differently.

We have an opinion.

Someone marries at an age we consider too young.

An opinion.

Someone remains single.

Another opinion.

Someone has several children.

“That’s a lot.”

Someone chooses to have one child.

“Why just one?”

Someone buys an expensive handbag.

“What a waste of money.”

Someone refuses to buy expensive things.

“She’s too stingy.”

Sometimes it seems there is no way to live without somebody having something to say.

And perhaps the most interesting part is that the person making the judgement may not even realise they are being judgemental.

They may genuinely believe they are simply being honest.

But honesty and judgement are not always the same thing.

“I’m Just Being Honest”

There is nothing wrong with honesty.

Some of the most important conversations we have in life require it.

A good friend may tell us something uncomfortable because they care about us. Someone who genuinely wants the best for us may challenge a decision we are making.

That kind of honesty can be uncomfortable, but it can also be valuable.

The problem begins when “I’m just being honest” becomes an excuse to say whatever we want without considering the effect of our words.

There is a difference between:

“I’m worried about the amount you’re spending because I’ve noticed you’re struggling financially.”

and:

“You waste money on ridiculous things. Don’t you have anything better to do?”

Both involve an opinion about money.

But they are not the same.

One expresses concern.

The other expresses judgement.

One leaves room for conversation.

The other has already reached a conclusion.

And sometimes, the difference isn’t simply what we say.

It is why we feel entitled to say it.

Sometimes Our Personal Values Become Other People’s Rules

We all have values.

I have mine.

You have yours.

And that’s perfectly normal.

The problem begins when we quietly turn our personal values into universal rules.

“I wouldn’t spend my money that way” becomes:

“Nobody should spend money that way.”

“I wouldn’t dress like that” becomes:

“She has no sense of style.”

“I wouldn’t raise my children like that” becomes:

“She’s a terrible mother.”

“I wouldn’t choose that career” becomes:

“What is she thinking?”

And suddenly, our personal preference has become a verdict on somebody else’s life.

Perhaps my friend’s friend genuinely believed her money could have been used differently.

Perhaps she was raised to value saving over spending.

Perhaps she simply couldn’t understand spending large amounts on clothes and jewellery.

All of those things are possible.

But none of them automatically make her friend’s choices wrong.

They simply make them different from hers.

Different Doesn’t Automatically Mean Wrong

This is something I think many of us have to learn as we grow older:

Different does not automatically mean wrong.

Someone can have completely different priorities from mine and still be a sensible person.

Someone can spend money on things I would never buy.

Someone can organise their home differently.

Someone can choose a different career.

Someone can have a different parenting style.

Someone can enjoy a lifestyle I personally wouldn’t choose.

And none of that automatically makes them foolish.

Perhaps they simply value different things.

Perhaps what brings them joy doesn’t bring me joy.

Perhaps what I consider important isn’t important to them.

And perhaps that’s okay.

We don’t have to understand every choice another adult makes before we can respect their right to make it.

But Why Does It Bother Us So Much?

This is the part I find particularly interesting.

Sometimes another person’s choice has absolutely no effect on our own lives, yet it can still irritate us.

Someone buys something we wouldn’t buy.

Someone chooses a relationship we wouldn’t choose.

Someone moves somewhere we wouldn’t move.

Someone spends their weekend differently.

Someone raises their children differently.

And suddenly, we have a strong opinion.

But why?

There isn’t always one answer.

Sometimes our reactions come from our upbringing, culture, personal experiences or deeply held beliefs about what a responsible or respectable life should look like.

Sometimes we simply don’t like what we don’t understand.

That doesn’t automatically make us bad people.

It makes us human.

But recognising it allows us to pause.

Because there is a difference between having a value and using that value to measure everybody else.

We Rarely Know the Full Story

Another reason I think we should be careful with judgement is that we almost never have the complete picture.

We see the clothes.

We don’t see the person’s bank account.

We see the jewellery.

We don’t know what they have saved.

We see someone travelling frequently.

We don’t know what they sacrificed to afford those trips.

We see someone buying things we consider unnecessary.

We don’t know what those things mean to them.

We are looking through a window into someone’s life.

We are not living inside it.

And that distinction matters.

It is remarkably easy to make a confident judgement based on a tiny piece of information.

There Is a Difference Between Concern and Control

Now, let me be fair.

If someone’s spending is putting them into serious debt, borrowing money from friends and family, or causing genuine financial harm, concern may be completely reasonable.

If someone asks for advice, give it.

If someone is putting themselves or another person in danger, speaking up can be important.

But there is a difference between being concerned about someone and believing you should control their choices.

We can care without taking over.

We can advise without demanding.

We can disagree without belittling.

And sometimes we have to accept that another adult is allowed to make a decision we wouldn’t make ourselves.

Not Every Opinion Needs a Microphone

I think this is where maturity comes in.

We all have thoughts.

We all have opinions.

We all notice things.

But not every thought needs to become a statement.

Not every observation needs to become criticism.

I can think:

“I would never spend that much money on jewellery.”

That’s my choice.

I don’t have to turn it into:

“Why does she waste her money like that?”

The first statement tells you something about me.

The second tries to tell you something about her.

There is a subtle but important difference.

Before we say, “That’s ridiculous,” perhaps we can ask:

“Is it actually ridiculous, or is it simply something I wouldn’t do?”

Before saying, “She shouldn’t spend money on that,” perhaps ask:

“Is she actually doing something harmful, or do I simply have different priorities?”

Those questions can humble us.

Because sometimes what we call common sense is simply what we grew up believing.

What we call wasteful may be someone else’s idea of enjoyment.

What we call strange may simply be unfamiliar to us.

And what we call wrong may sometimes just be different.

When Judgement Starts Affecting Our Relationships

Sometimes judgement isn’t limited to passing comments about strangers or acquaintances. It can creep into our friendships too.

A friendship can become exhausting when one person constantly criticises the people around them, questions your choices, or expects you to see every situation exactly as they do.

I’ve written before about the importance of recognising the kinds of relationships that can affect our wellbeing, because not every relationship deserves unlimited access to our peace.

And if you’re trying to build meaningful relationships in a new environment, particularly after moving abroad, it can be tempting to hold on tightly to every friendship we make. But having people around us is not the same as having relationships where we feel respected and free to be ourselves.

You can read more about this in my posts on making friends after moving abroad and the kinds of people to avoid for your mental health.

Healthy relationships still allow room for differences.

We don’t have to agree on everything.

We simply need to be able to disagree without constantly making the other person feel small.

If You’re the One Being Judged

If you have ever been on the receiving end of someone’s judgement, you know how exhausting it can become. You explain one decision. Then another. Then another. Eventually, you find yourself trying to convince people that your life makes sense.

But you don’t have to.

You don’t have to explain every purchase.

You don’t have to justify every career decision.

You don’t have to defend every relationship.

And you don’t have to convince everybody that your choices are sensible.

Sometimes you can simply say: “That’s your opinion. I see it differently.”

And leave it there.

Because someone is allowed to have an opinion about your life.

You are not required to live by it.

Judgement can also have consequences beyond an uncomfortable conversation. As Mind explains in its discussion of stigma and misconceptions, assumptions and negative attitudes can affect how people feel about themselves and whether they feel able to seek or receive support.

And Before We Point the Finger…

It is very easy to read an article about judgemental people and immediately think about somebody else.

“This sounds exactly like my sister.”

“My colleague does this all the time.”

“That’s my friend!”

But perhaps we should pause.

Because I don’t want to write about judgement as though I have never judged anyone.

I am human.

I have made assumptions.

I have misunderstood people.

I have looked at someone’s decision and wondered why they would choose that.

You probably have too.

The goal isn’t to become people who never have opinions.

The goal is to become more conscious of the difference between having an opinion and passing judgement.

We can notice without condemning.

We can disagree without insulting.

We can be honest without being cruel.

And we can recognise that our way isn’t necessarily the only way.

Perhaps We Need to Be More Careful With “I’m Just Being Honest”

The next time those words are sitting on the tip of your tongue, perhaps pause.

Ask yourself:

Am I saying this because it will genuinely help?

Was my opinion requested?

Do I know enough about the situation?

Am I expressing concern, or am I expressing disapproval?

And perhaps the biggest question of all:

Does this actually need to be said?

Because sometimes honesty is necessary.

Sometimes advice is valuable.

Sometimes people genuinely need someone to tell them the truth.

But sometimes, people simply need the freedom to make their own choices.

And sometimes what we think is our responsibility to correct is simply someone else’s life to live.

There will always be people who don’t understand your choices.

Some will question how you spend your money.

Some will question your career.

Some will question your relationships.

Some will question your appearance.

Some will question your parenting.

If you spend your entire life trying to make every person understand you, you may eventually lose sight of yourself.

You are allowed to have different priorities.

You are allowed to enjoy things other people don’t understand.

You are allowed to make choices that someone else wouldn’t make.

And other people are allowed to disagree with you.

That is part of being human.

But disagreement doesn’t have to become disrespect.

Honesty doesn’t have to become humiliation.

And having an opinion doesn’t give us ownership of another person’s life.

So perhaps the next time someone says,

“I’m just being honest,”

we shouldn’t immediately ask whether they are right or wrong.

Perhaps we should ask a different question:

“Is this honesty coming from care, or is it simply judgement dressed up as honesty?”

And perhaps, on the other side of the conversation, we should ask ourselves the same thing.

Because sometimes, the way we speak about other people’s lives reveals something about the lens through which we see the world.

And maybe that’s the part worth remembering:

Not every thought needs a microphone.

Sometimes wisdom is knowing when to speak.

And sometimes, wisdom is knowing when to let another person live.