There was a time when I could tell you exactly what I wanted.

And then, almost immediately, I would start wondering what everyone else thought about it.

Should I do it?

Would they understand?

What would they say?

Would they think I was being selfish?

Would they be disappointed in me?

Would they still like me?

Looking back, I realise how exhausting that way of living was.

I wasn’t necessarily unhappy with my life. I was just constantly checking myself through other people’s eyes.

And perhaps you know what I mean.

Maybe you have done it too.

You say yes when every part of you is screaming no. You agree to something you don’t have the energy for because you don’t want to disappoint someone. You keep explaining yourself because you desperately want the other person to understand your intentions.

You achieve something and immediately look around for someone to tell you that you did well.

You make a decision, but instead of asking yourself whether it is right for you, you start wondering whether other people will approve of it.

For years, I didn’t realise how much of my life was being shaped by this need to be accepted.

I just thought I was being a good person.

I Didn’t Realise How Much I Needed Other People’s Approval

Most of us learn very early that approval feels good.

A child brings home a good report and waits for Mum or Dad to smile.

A teenager wants to fit in with friends.

An adult wants to be appreciated at work, loved by their partner, respected by their family, and accepted by their community.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved or appreciated.

We are human beings. Connection matters.

The problem begins when someone else’s approval becomes the measure of our worth.

That is a very different thing.

When you start believing that you are only doing well because someone says you are doing well, you slowly hand your sense of worth to other people.

And people are unpredictable.

Today they praise you.

Tomorrow they criticise you.

Today they love the decision you made.

Tomorrow they question it.

If your confidence depends entirely on their response, you will spend a lot of your life being emotionally tossed from one side to another.

I know because I have been there.

Sometimes People-Pleasing Looks Like Kindness

This is the part I wish more people talked about.

Not all people-pleasing looks obvious.

Sometimes it looks like being the dependable one.

The person everyone knows they can call.

The woman who will somehow find a way to help.

The person who says, “Don’t worry, I’ll do it.”

The friend who listens to everybody else’s problems but rarely talks about her own.

The mother who keeps going even when she desperately needs a break.

The colleague who takes on extra work because she doesn’t want anyone to think she isn’t capable.

The relative who swallows her feelings because she doesn’t want to cause trouble.

You can become so good at being there for everybody that nobody notices when you are running on empty.

And sometimes, neither do you.

I have had to learn this about myself.

I have always been someone who likes to handle things. I like knowing that things are done. I like helping. I like being dependable.

But there is a fine line between being supportive and constantly abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable.

I have had to learn where that line is.

The More You Give Without Checking In With Yourself, the More Exhausted You Become

There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from constantly overriding yourself.

You are tired, but you say yes.

You are uncomfortable, but you stay quiet.

You need help, but you convince yourself that you can manage.

You don’t agree, but you nod anyway.

You want to rest, but you feel guilty.

You want to say no, but you start imagining the other person’s disappointment.

Eventually, you begin wondering why you are so tired all the time.

Sometimes the answer isn’t that you need to become stronger.

Sometimes you need to stop carrying things that were never yours to carry.

That was a difficult lesson for me.

Learning to Say No Changed Something in Me

I used to think saying no meant I was being difficult.

Now I understand that sometimes saying no simply means I have listened to myself.

No.

I cannot do that.

No.

That doesn’t work for me.

No.

I don’t want to.

No.

I need some time for myself.

These sentences can feel incredibly uncomfortable when you are used to measuring your worth by how useful you are to other people.

But the first few times you say them, something interesting happens.

You realise the world doesn’t end.

Some people may be disappointed.

Some may misunderstand you.

Some may even accuse you of changing.

And you know what?

Maybe you have.

Maybe that is the point.

Self-Validation Is Learning to Believe Yourself

For me, self-validation isn’t about waking up one morning and suddenly becoming incredibly confident.

It is much quieter than that.

It is learning to say:

My feelings are real, even if someone else doesn’t understand them.

My decision can be right for me even if someone else would choose differently.

I don’t have to prove my worth by constantly being useful.

I can make a mistake without becoming a failure.

I am allowed to change my mind.

I am allowed to have boundaries.

And perhaps most importantly:

I don’t need everyone to agree with me before I trust myself.

That last one has taken me a long time to learn.

I still have moments when I crave approval.

Of course I do.

I am human.

There are still moments when someone’s criticism gets under my skin. There are still times when I replay a conversation and wonder whether I should have said something differently.

But there is a difference now.

I don’t automatically abandon myself because someone else is unhappy with me.

Sometimes, when I notice myself slipping back into that habit of over-explaining, I remember something I wrote about in Why Do I Keep Explaining Myself?.

There is a difference between communicating and constantly trying to convince someone that your feelings, decisions or boundaries are valid.

I am learning to recognise that difference.

And Then Something Unexpected Happens

When you stop living for everybody else’s approval, some relationships begin to change.

This is one of the uncomfortable parts nobody really talks about.

You may discover that certain relationships were held together by your constant giving.

Perhaps someone was comfortable with you when you always said yes.

Perhaps someone liked you better when you never challenged them.

Perhaps someone was perfectly happy with your boundaries being somewhere far beyond what they expected from themselves.

Then you start saying no.

You start expressing your opinions.

You stop explaining every decision.

You stop apologising for having needs.

And suddenly, the relationship feels different.

Sometimes it ends.

That can hurt.

It can make you question yourself.

You might even think, Maybe I should go back to the way I used to be.

But this is where self-validation becomes important again.

Not every relationship is meant to survive every version of you.

Some relationships are built around who you were.

And sometimes becoming more honest about who you are exposes that.

That doesn’t mean every relationship that struggles with your boundaries is automatically unhealthy. Relationships require communication, compromise, and growth from both sides.

But you shouldn’t have to become smaller, quieter, or permanently uncomfortable just to keep someone in your life.

And sometimes, the hardest part is figuring out whether someone is genuinely expressing concern or simply judging you. I explored that uncomfortable distinction in Are They Really Being Honest, or Are They Just Judging You?.

Because not every criticism deserves to become your inner voice.

I Am Still Learning to Choose Myself

I wish I could tell you that I have completely mastered this.

I haven’t.

Some days I am wonderfully comfortable in my own skin.

Other days, I catch myself wondering whether someone will approve of something I have said or done.

But I am much more aware now.

And awareness changes things.

I notice when I am about to say yes because I genuinely want to help and when I am about to say yes because I am afraid of disappointing someone.

I notice when I am explaining myself because the situation genuinely needs clarification and when I am explaining myself because I desperately want someone to approve of my decision.

I notice when I am giving from a place of love and when I am giving from guilt.

Those distinctions matter.

Because self-validation isn’t about becoming selfish.

It is about becoming honest with yourself.

So, How Do You Start Validating Yourself?

Start small.

Before asking someone else what they think, ask yourself.

What do I actually think?

Before agreeing to something, ask:

Do I genuinely want to do this, or am I afraid of saying no?

When you are upset, don’t immediately tell yourself that you are overreacting.

Pause.

Ask:

What am I feeling, and why?

When you make a mistake, resist the urge to turn one mistake into a judgement about your entire character.

You made a mistake.

That doesn’t mean you are a mistake.

And when someone disagrees with you, remember that disagreement doesn’t automatically mean you are wrong.

Sometimes two people can see the same situation differently.

You don’t have to win every argument to trust yourself.

The NHS also recommends practical steps such as recognising your strengths, being kinder to yourself, building positive relationships and learning to say no as part of developing healthier self-esteem. You can read the NHS guidance on raising low self-esteem here.

The Relationship You Have With Yourself Matters

For a long time, I thought confidence was something other people gave you.

A compliment could give you confidence.

Praise could give you confidence.

Recognition could give you confidence.

Being chosen could give you confidence.

But those things can disappear just as quickly as they arrive.

I am learning that there is something much steadier than that.

It is knowing yourself.

Knowing what matters to you.

Knowing what you will tolerate and what you won’t.

Knowing what brings you peace.

Knowing what drains you.

Knowing your values.

Knowing that you can disappoint someone and still be a good person.

Knowing that you can be misunderstood and still remain true to yourself.

That is the kind of confidence I want.

Not the confidence that says, Everybody likes me.

The confidence that says:

Even if they don’t, I will still be okay.

Dearest gentle reader, perhaps you have spent years trying to become the version of yourself that everybody can love.

Perhaps you have bent.

Adjusted.

Explained.

Apologised.

Given.

Stayed quiet.

Said yes.

And then wondered why you felt so disconnected from yourself.

Maybe it is time to come home to yourself.

Not dramatically.

Not overnight.

Just one honest decision at a time.

One boundary.

One no.

One truthful conversation.

One moment where you stop asking, “Will they approve?”

And start asking:

“What do I believe? What do I need? What feels right for me?”

That is where self-validation begins.

And perhaps, somewhere along the way, you will realise that the person whose approval you have been chasing all these years…

was you.