There is a sharp and careless remark thrown at you in every conversation. You are confused. Is this intentional? Does your partner have good intentions, but poor communication?

There are ways narcissistic or toxic people subtly abuse you, which you don’t always realize. It doesn’t sound bad even if you try to explain it to another person. Your mind even convinces you it’s not that bad. Perhaps they don’t realize how hurtful it is, you think.

Your partner and you are discussing your work project. He suddenly goes, “Why did they give you this project?” as if to suggest that you are unqualified for it. When you ask, “What do you mean?” Your narcissistic partner immediately replies, “Well, it’s just that you’re not known for your organization and leadership skills.”

Suddenly, you feel bad about yourself after telling your partner about something exciting that may lead to more responsibility at work or even a promotion.

Is there a reason why they would say something like that?

A narcissist might say something to bring you down in your moment of joy for a few reasons. One reason is that their insecurity arises from the fact that something good is happening to you, not to them.

Another reason is that they feel they may lose control over you if you are successful financially, or if you have other relationships.

While narcissists keep up a narrative that they are the best at everything, deep insecurity plagues them at the same time. They cannot allow the people closest to them to excel over them, or it pokes that inner wound.

Besides physical violence, name-calling, and sexual abuse, some subtle signs of abuse are harder to identify, particularly if you have been in a relationship with this person for a long time. Some of these more subtle forms of abuse may seem “normal” to you if you were raised in a home that used them.

Subtle Signs of Abuse

Recently, the term “gaslighting” has gained popularity, so you might recognize it as a subtle sign of abuse, but you might not have considered the following eleven things abusive. Nevertheless, they are all used as a means of exerting control over you.

We all may know well-meaning individuals who do one or two of these things from time to time, but what matters is how frequently these things occur and what the intention is behind them.

1. Using the Dog-Whistling Method: When your partner knows about your inner insecurity or has criticized you for something before, it is called dog-whistling. Then, they praise someone else for something that you are deeply insecure about with a seemingly innocent comment. As an example, your neighbor’s weight is mentioned, despite your recent struggles with weight control. “Anita, you look gorgeous!” That body of yours looks so toned. How have you managed to stay so fit? ”

2. Destructive Criticism: Destructive criticism means to criticize someone’s character or actions. Such criticism is a form of personal attack and can be hurtful and damaging. This can also lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. Narcissists apply destructive criticism towards you when they tell you that you’re not doing things right, or you don’t look good in a particular outfit, or you shouldn’t speak a certain way. This implies that the narcissist knows how things should be done and is better than you. Contrary to constructive criticism, which is meant to help you grow, this is not intended to demean you.

3. Criticism towards others: They are quick to criticize, judge, and blame other people whenever you hold a conversation with them. Essentially, this is letting you know that a certain behavior is unacceptable and will result in loss of love if it is displayed. You will hear a remark like “ What did you think of George’s wife talking so long to our neighbor, Barry? Her husband must feel so disrespected by that! That’s unacceptable to me! ”

4. Isolation Method: You find yourself isolated from your family and friends, or your family and friends find it uncomfortable to see you. They accomplish this by not watching the kids or pets or constantly checking in on you during your visits. “ Hey Pat, it’s just a quick check to see when you’re coming home.” “Our daughter has requested your presence.”

5. Lack of Affection: People with narcissistic personalities may withhold affection, hugging, kissing, holding hands, gifts, and sex if their partners don’t do what they want. It will make you feel as if something is wrong with the way you look or act. They may even make you feel guilty for not meeting their expectations. They may also become hostile or aggressive if you don’t give them the attention they want.

6. Undermining Your accomplishments: When you tell the narcissist about your new promotion at work, or how you singlehandedly carried out a specific challenging project, they act like it doesn’t matter, and may even one-up you by telling you a story about a time they did something interesting. For instance, at a dinner party, you might share an exciting travel experience, only for the narcissist to immediately interrupt with a tale of their own, overshadowing your story. This can leave you feeling insignificant and unappreciated.

7. Using Sarcasm in Conversation: In an undermining tone, sarcasm is saying the opposite of what they mean. If your child asks you for assistance with a math problem, for instance, the narcissist may reply, “Oh yeah, ask her.”. Your mum here is a math genius! ”. This man knows very well that math is a challenge that you always dread solving.

8. The Use of Silent Treatment: Coercive control is exercised through silent treatment. Using this method, the narcissist manipulates you into agreeing to their demands. For instance, a partner might use silent treatment after an argument to punish and manipulate the other person into apologizing or conceding. This creates an imbalance of power and can lead to feelings of isolation and insecurity in the relationship.

9. Sole Responsibility of Finance Management: A narcissistic partner will intentionally take over the responsibility of managing the finances owned by them and their partners. In the beginning, they claim they are managing finances to “help you out” or “make things easier for you”, but eventually they control where you go and what you do. They can even go to the extent of restricting access to joint accounts, monitoring all spending, or refusing to share financial information. This behavior can leave their partner feeling powerless and dependent. Additionally, they might use money as a tool to control or manipulate their partner’s actions and decisions. This is one of their tactics to keep you trapped in a relationship for a long time.

10. Giving Unsolicited Advice: Unsolicited advice is a subtle form of abuse since the narcissists assume they know best how to do something. Even if they do have more experience, it is disrespectful to assume so and deny the other person the chance to learn (This is just like treating you like a child). You are struggling with a project at work, and this colleague of yours constantly offers unsolicited advice, undermining your confidence. Instead of feeling supported, you feel belittled and incapable, which ultimately affects your performance and mental well-being. This situation showcases how unsolicited advice can do more harm than good.” Such remarks like “You should do this way”, The best way to do this is this way”, If I were you, I would not even do this way” suggest a narcissistic character around you.

11. Your “No” is Never Acceptable: You may be able to say no, but you must understand that there will be unspoken consequences, such as silence for days, rage, or withholding affection. As time goes on, you stop saying no altogether, because the problems it causes aren’t worth it. This is also a form of emotional blackmail, where your partner makes you feel guilty or threatened if you don’t comply with their wishes. It’s a way of manipulating you into doing something you don’t want to do and making you feel powerless.

All of these are subtle forms of abuse, which may be difficult for someone else to understand if you try to explain them. “That’s amazing!” That would be awesome if my spouse handled our finances! ” Someone ignorant of subtle abuse may respond in that manner. You begin to doubt yourself once they suggest it isn’t so bad. However, the truth is the person who wears the shoes knows exactly where the pain is.

While it feels bad, you think, “Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems.”. After all, there are worse things that can happen. When he doesn’t attack me or call me names, you start to believe that you may be the problem. Changing your attitude or not doing the things that annoy them could improve your relationship. Your efforts to improve yourself and say things more effectively do not seem to work. As a result, you end up walking on eggshells, trying to avoid making them angry.

 The goal of the narcissist is to get what they want 

However, narcissists get exactly what they want. Your behavior is always oriented toward their needs, as you follow their instructions and act accordingly. As long as you do not react differently, this subtle abuse will continue.

Each of these forms of abuse, by itself, does not indicate that your partner is a narcissist, but they are sneaky ways narcissists manipulate their victims.

Since these tactics are so sneaky, you won’t realize you are being abused for a long time, usually when your mental, emotional, and physical health is at risk. It’s important to recognize the signs of emotional abuse, such as feeling powerless, feeling manipulated or controlled, and feeling isolated. It’s important to take steps to protect yourself and get help if needed.