Trauma is not something people feel comfortable talking about. Despite the increased understanding of the implications of trauma on mental health, trauma remains an off-limits subject for some. Those who are not informed may perceive the trauma as only happening to those in the wrong place at the wrong time. In addition, those who are merely cruel and insensitive may delude themselves into believing that they are not causing trauma.

 Defining Trauma

Having tough experiences in life is part of life, and struggling afterwards is normal. In most cases, we bounce back after a setback. Nevertheless, trauma occurs when you are subjected to something truly scary or overwhelming that it negatively affects your mental health. https://mypsycheandyours.com.ng/surviving-and-thriving-after-sexual-abuse/

It has been estimated that up to 70% of people will experience a traumatic event within their lifetime, and up to 8% of those people will develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Unprocessed trauma can negatively impact a person’s quality of life and lead to ongoing challenges in their daily lives, such as flashbacks, trouble sleeping, and avoiding certain people or places associated with their trauma. https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/coping-with-life/trauma/

In my capacity as a mental health advocate and resourse person, I know how chronic trauma can have a devastating effect on a person’s life.

Based on factors such as childhood abuse, neglect, and other overlaps between Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD, the probability of developing complex PTSD (cPTSD) is between 30–90% for anyone who has suffered chronic relational trauma, especially as a child. The effects of CPTSD on emotional, physical, and psychological health are greater than those of PTSD due to prolonged and repeated exposure to trauma.

The effects of trauma are minimized when they are put to the side or downplayed, and we do the same for their effects on our overall health.

Here are four things no one talks about when it comes to surviving trauma.

Denying trauma’s root cause

The fact that you deny or minimize your trauma does not mean it never happened. Your lived experiences are important, and minimizing or dismissing them serves no purpose; they prevent you from processing their significance. When we do not address our traumatic experiences, we end up turning to band-aids. The majority of us have indulged in a distraction at some point in our lives.

When a family member is getting on our nerves during the holidays, we may grab the keys and head out for a drive. We cut off a friend who shows treachery and narcissism and reevaluate what we saw in them in the first place. For instance, if we’ve been working hard all day, we might pour ourselves a glass of wine.

There is, however, a delicate balance between helping ourselves relax and redirecting our energy versus inadvertently ignoring our pain. As long as we dismiss the root cause of our trauma, we will experience more trauma in the future. Most of us know that people with histories of trauma are subconsciously attracted to people, places, and situations that recreate the original trauma.

Many academic studies support this dynamic, including patterns that explain why some people repeatedly seek out the same type of relationship or situation that recreates the traumatic experience they are trying to escape. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk describes the compulsion to repeat, while Freud originally called it repetition compulsion.

Denial and minimization of trauma can lead us to feel detached, or numb. This can manifest in anxiety, depression, or feeling unworthy of authentic connection. When trauma is denied or dismissed, engaging in meaningful relationships becomes more difficult as we are limited in our ability to grow or make healthy choices in our relationships. It is possible to end up in toxic relationships, as well as ones that are superficial, unsatisfying, and numb.

Socialization avoidance

For some individuals who have experienced trauma, re-socialization can be excruciating and something that should not be taken too lightly or too quickly. When you have been traumatized deeply, your new starting point is Ground Zero; you must rebuild your life from scratch. It can even be as “simple” as going to a party. For a person with a history of trauma, loud voices, a lot of people, or a lot of energy and emotion can be overwhelming and triggering, causing them to feel emotionally vulnerable, easily triggered, or dissociated. Consequently, it would be best to have people in your life who are sympathetic and understanding of your needs rather than dismissing or invalidating them.

The majority of people with a history of profound trauma tend to view get-togethers as anxiety-provoking and prefer to avoid them because we tend to micro-analyse everyone’s mood or behavior.

There is a tendency for these people to read between the lines of a person’s nonverbal behavior or dissect every word they say rather than taking things at face value.

Someone’s laughter may seem directed at them instead of at something funny they said. Also, they may spend the entire time observing everyone’s emotional state for the first sign of tension or frustration. The situation can worsen if their partner turns a blind eye or buries themselves in their phones instead of providing emotional support.

The silence in a social setting is perhaps one of the most unsettling dynamics for someone who has suffered trauma. Silence can be calming and peaceful when viewed properly, but it can also be triggering and stressful when misinterpreted. A pause in the conversation, for example, may make you feel scrutinized immediately. There is also the possibility of internalizing it as something being “wrong” with you, or as a way for them to inadvertently reject your presence.

Experiencing exhaustion and burnout

My close friend who is also my colleague experienced being “exhausted and burned”. She defines it a state of functional immobility. During that period, She felt like she was caught in a suspended state of hyper-activation and shutdown simultaneously. Overcommitting, overworking, and over-thinking everything made her feel energized momentarily, followed by a crash of exhaustion. She ignored her exhaustion and feelings of fatigue. Daily, she juggled post-graduate studies, certification exams, working 30 hours a week, and her personal life – all while juggling post-graduate studies, certification exams, and my personal life. However, she was not told that her unprocessed trauma was the reason she was stuck in that toxic cycle.

This loop can negatively affect the quality of many people’s relationships, including their relationship with themselves. As a result of being stuck in a trauma response, you do not focus on whether a particular person is a healthy choice for you. Instead, we gravitate towards toxicity because it temporarily “lights a fire” and gives us more energy to power through exhaustion. A chaotic situation breeds high energy and emotion, which allows you to feel something other than numb in the moment.

Some individuals may withdraw socially and neglect their relationships because they are unable or unwilling to nurture them. As a result of emotional disconnection and chronic feelings of numbness, you find yourself in a paradoxical situation where you avoid certain people or situations as too triggering and yet are drawn to more chaos for energy.

Repeated exposure to traumatic stress can leave one in a constant state of “tired and wired.” When you experience severe trauma, your nervous system learns to adjust to constant threats by living in a functional freeze state, which ultimately traps you in a flight-freeze trauma response. The state of distractibility and numbness may lead to an appearance of constant busyness, irritability, and difficulty slowing down and relaxing, which can be misinterpreted as hyperactivity.

Our bodies cannot rest and recover when we are stuck in a functional freeze. A chronic state of hypervigilance and numbness prevents us from relaxing and prolongs our dissociation. Additionally, we may experience constant muscle tension, people-pleasing behaviors, perfectionism, workaholism, difficulty sleeping, and a significant increase in chronic illness and injury risks.

Self-rejection

A person who has experienced trauma often lives in a state of disconnection and rejects parts of themselves as survival strategies. When you are traumatized, you cease to appreciate the unique qualities that make you, what you are. Some may end up rejecting the parts of themselves that they were shamed for, or that they wrongly believe are unworthy, which can lead them to feel disconnected or emotionally numb.

If a person wrongly learns that they aren’t “good enough” unless they play certain “roles” for others, they may end up with imposter syndrome, where they feel like they don’t belong or fit in anywhere, or that their relationships are fake. They may take cues from their coworkers regarding how to “act” in the workplace, or what is considered socially acceptable. As a way of fitting in with their friends and family, they may adopt a style similar to their friends, or take up a new hobby. Their speech may be inflected the same way or they may use the same slang as people they follow on social media.

There is a correlation between these patterns and a very shaky sense of self-identity, where a person might change who they “are” according to what others expect. As a result, they reject their individual needs, their autonomy, and their very existence, relying on others for approval and validation.

You may struggle to understand who you are, or what you want in life, if you have a limited sense of self-identity. The world around you may feel fragmented and disconnected; you may believe you are inadequate or live in a constant state of uncertainty. You become unable to trust your judgment when trauma forces you to reject certain parts of your sense of Self, or you may feel the need to turn to other people for advice or guidance constantly. The result is people-pleasing, emotional dependency, and the inability to form authentic relationships based on genuine connection. When you don’t understand what motivates you towards someone, or when you become unconvinced about yourself, it can be hard – if not impossible – to form a relationship with them. https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/blog/how-i-m-learning-to-process-trauma-and-find-hope/

Conclusion

The nuances and aftermath of surviving trauma are rarely discussed. These nuances are often unique to us, perhaps because they are based on our own experiences. Trauma reshapes our life and our direction, but what we learn afterward reshapes us as well. In many cases, trauma is the catalyst for rebirth; emotional growth, and development. We are affected not just in the moment, but also in terms of our self-perception, our relationships, and the world around us.

The learning that comes from these unique experiences makes us stronger, more aware, and more purposeful. It is in the aftermath of what we have survived that we recognize how much we have changed. As we gain a clearer understanding of things, we begin to see them differently. As we mature, we become more observant and trust our instincts more. Traumatic experiences may shatter the person we once were, but they also give us a deeper understanding of who we are today.